A Tale of Two Saturdays

Whether we notice the Positive or the Negative makes a huge difference in our family’s experience.

"Don't do that sweetheart".

"No, you can't have that, please stop asking".

"Stop bugging your brother and give him some space."

"Why did you do that?!"

"Your room is a mess...again".

Welcome to my Saturday morning.

Did you know that the average parent provides their child with 8 negatives for every 1 positive?

I'm not talking about that mean tyrannical dad berating his kid in the grocery store. I'm talking about you and me - the average parent. Think about it, in an effort to help our kids do the right things, stay safe, and be good little humans, we are constantly reacting to what we don't want them to be doing, rather than focusing on what is actually going well most of the time.

It's so easy to get into this negativity rut. And so hard to find the little gems throughout the day.

And yet in order to learn new skills in life, we humans require at least 4 positives to every 1 negative. That's right 4 to 1!

And marriage? Turns out in order to have a healthy lasting marriage, spouses require at least a 5 to 1 ratio.

Now that may sound like a lot, but think about it. If you wanted to learn something new like playing the piano or driving a golf ball, you'd need to know what you were doing well, not just what you were doing wrong. "Your back is too hunched, your wrist is crooked, your fingers are too stiff, your not breathing right, etc." doesn't tell you what to do, just what not to do. In order to learn any skill, you need to know all the things to continue doing i.e.. what you are doing well.

“You need to know all the things you are doing well…”

Amidst all that success, you can handle a tweak here and there. Same for kids and spouses. If all they hear is what's wrong, they stand no chance in building upon what is going right.

Focusing on what is going well is hard, at least for me. What's wrong catches my attention more than what's right. I have had to work hard to intentionally switch up this ratio in my house.

I have found that I need to consciously set an intention, look and listen for the positives, let some of the negatives go, and reset constantly. The impact has been tremendously gratifying however.

"I love the way you guys are sitting there drawing",

"Thank you so much for picking that up"

"Wow, you two are such good friends when you are getting along" etc.