Parenting Advice From a Cat

I’ve got one hand propping open tonight’s bedtime story and the other wrapped vigilantly around the spray bottle. 

Bella is about to pounce; I can smell it. Her eyes – dilated. Her tail,slithering slowly like a viper. Her ears - slicked back and streamlined for optimal striking speed.

The moment is palpable – I imagine it is how Doc Holiday felt just before Johnny Ringo’s demise. 

She leaps, fangs flashing, claws wielding. I draw, squeezing the trigger so hard it breaks in my hand. I’m fast. She’s faster. I got her wet for sure, but she drew blood, and she knows she’s been victorious. 

I shout at her, the kind of shout that comes more from humiliation than anger. 

The gloat in her strut hurts more than the bite. I jump up and run at her as she trots away, her tail simulating a triumphant middle finger.

Here’s what the Veterinarian Society of America (VSA) has to say about unprovoked feline biting:

1. Never spray your cat with water.

2. Never raise your voice.

3. Never demonstrate aggression.

0 for 3.

Cats, especially under-socialized (a euphemism for feral) cats like Bella, bite when they are overstimulated. Sometimes due to past trauma or lack of connection with other cats and humans, they have pent up anxious energy that they can’t process in the moment. 

That energy is uncomfortable and overwhelming, especially if they have been locked in a house all day with insufficient opportunities to discharge that energy. So, they take their energetic overwhelm out on the people they love. 

Water, loud noises, and aggression (from big jerks like me) just makes them more overwhelmed and more anxious. And therefore, more prone to biting. 

So, in an effort to make my cat stop reacting to overwhelm, I’ve just made her more overwhelmed. 

Nice work.

Kids, it turns out are not that different. 

Sure, their forebrains are a bit bigger than a cats, but they are just as prone to act reflexively in the face of overwhelm. When overstimulated, that energy needs to go somewhere. And let’s face it, the life of a child can be quite overstimulating.

Our kiddos spend most of the day in a classroom, surrounded by other overwhelmed kids. 

The sounds, smells, sights, and feelings are all brimming with excitement and often anxiety. Like Bella in the house all day, kiddos are stuck in a school all day, also with insufficient opportunities to discharge that energy.

A while back, we had our back-to-school meeting in Anya’s 2 nd grade classroom. The room was
jammed packed with nervous kids and even more nervous parents meeting and each other for
the first time. 

There was this moment about halfway through the event when the cacophony of voices and desk chairs screeching reached a crescendo and I felt absolutely flooded. 

I could see the mouth moving on the person across from me, but it became a bit more like Charlie Brown’s teacher – wah wah wah wah wah. 

Honestly, it took everything in me not to bite the person next to me.

Ok, back to Bella. If I’m not supposed to spray her with water, yell, or intimidate her, what am I supposed to do? Again from the VSA:

1. Provide your cat with ample time to play, outside and inside.

2. Ensure they have plenty of toys and activities to discharge playful energy.

3. When they are overstimulated, give them space to self-sooth.

Kids need these things too. 

They need to play. 

They need to discharge energy. 

They need to have fun, with their parents and with each other. 

They need constructive activities that help them channel emotions and anxiety into creativity. 

Sports, nature, music, games, movement, etc.. 

And, just like us, they need to learn to self-sooth after an overstimulating day. Drawing quietly, reading silently, snuggling peacefully, playing calmly.

As parents, we are not always going to get this right. We are going to raise our voices, lose our tempers, scold when we should be comforting, and inadvertently exacerbate the very behavior we are trying to address. But awareness is the first step, and if our goal is to help our kiddos manage the unprocessed overstimulation from the day, we would be wise to notice and then minimize how much fuel we throw on the proverbial fire.

Then, we can begin to provide the creative opportunities kids need to process overwhelming and pent-up energy. We can help them proactively manage their anxiety, rather than reactively make them more anxious.

As for me and Bella, well for now I’ve put down the spray bottle and picked up the cat toys. She seems to be purring more and biting less. I’ll keep you posted…Stay tuned…

Warmly,

Dave