I Burned the Kale Chips

I burned the Kale chips

I was (and am always) trying to be super dad.

Burgers on the grill, fries in the oven, buns in the toaster, smoke coming out of the oven. Shit! Forgot about the kale chips. I pull them out and my wife makes a face. A face I read as dispointment. Disappointment in me.

Well, now I’m off to the races. I get defensive and angry at her for being disappointed in me. I mean, I’m the one doing all the cooking. She was supposed to make dinner tonight. So I made one loudly mistake, everyone makes mistakes for crying out loud.

This is a deep-seated pattern for me. It goes something like:

1) My wife expresses a negative emotion and

2) I immediately get defensive.

I’ve had to look carefully at this seemingly automatic chain of events. Turns out that is not automatic, not just facial expression to defensiveness. There’s several other steps in there that are subtle and sneaky.

When I put it under the microscope, I can see that the steps go something more like:

1) I see a facial expression

2) I interpret said facial expression as disappointment

3) I attribute the perceived disappointment as caused by my actions

4) in a desperate attempt to not feel bad about my actions, I blame my wife for being judgmental.

Yikes!

How do I slow this train down?

Well, what I’ve been working on is focusing on what I am feeling rather than the story I’ve created.

If I’m honest, real honest, I’m the one who feels disappointed.

I’m the one who feels judmmental towards myself for messing up.

I am defending against myself, not my wife.

Oops.

She says, “sorry babe”.

Oh…she was disappointed FOR me, not AT me.

How sweet.

I don’t care about the kale chips, I don’t even like kale.

I’m grateful to catch myself in this pattern these days.

I'm grateful to my wife for being so patient and loving as I work through it.

I’m also grateful to have a community of fathers to talk about these things with.

Turns out I’m not alone.